The Girl Who Would Be Zaria [entries|friends|calendar] Zee Dunfee [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(ignite me) Say you can't but you can so you do... [27 Apr 2009|08:43am] [ mood | anxious ]   And in a classic show of distracted Zee-itis I have neglected updating here until I need a blank page to type things out on. Today I have apartment woes.  I found this place, this awesome tiny little place in Granville that I'm totally in love with. The woman runs an antique store out of her barn and rents the apartements above her house and her barn. The gardens are beautiful, the apartment has pocket doors and walk in closests and huge windows. It's small, tiny in fact and that too is good for my plans. Keeping a small area is good for me because I don't have much furniture.   She gave me the lease to look over and bring back when I decided, I left and I did just that. I decided I wanted it within 2 hours and emailed her to see when she was available and when she wanted the money. Sounds like a done deal, right? Apparently not. Now she's said there is another girl who looked at the place and has been considering it and she has first dibs. So even though I am 100% sure that I want the place AND I have the money, she's not going to let me have it until this girl tries and fails to get her deposit together by suppertime.   Maddening? Ooooh yes.  So I set up a viewing of an apartment on Old towne East (in the good part, and if not, who cares?) for 11 this morning and hopefully this guy will also be looking to give me a place without my credit score getting in the way. This apartment is larger by a lot and totally gorgeous. I hope it will work out. I'll be so disapointed if he blows me off.... really disapointed.  Especially since I've already started packing and tearing things apart and painting my furniture to be matching sets. grrr. Oh well, wish me luck, friends. I have to shower and go look at this place then take two or three thousand pictures.

(ignite me) [28 Feb 2009|10:43am] So far no news on the baby front. The last time I talked to the O'Day's Jamie was having contractions about 5 minutes apart. I'm really really excited. I feel guilty because my sister keeps wanting to talk to me and I keep wanting her to go away. I have to shower, slug down some coffee and make it to work in my brothers car today. I'm not terribly excited about that, but it's nice that we have another car for times when mine is broken down. Friday nights are my 200.00 night at work, so I missed the boat on that one and I'm still a little grumpy about that. Though today should be pretty good, I'll eat before I come on and work from 1 through second cut in the bar. I won't take a break and things will be okay. I'm rambling about insignificant things because I don't want to get out of bed and start my day. I am nervous about Jamie and the new baby, my car is still broken down and my baby brother is trying to fix it on his own by the side of the freeway. A very busy freeway. Alas, things are going to be alright. I'm sure of it. Time for breakfast.

(ignite me) [27 Feb 2009|09:35am] [ mood | anxious ]    Today is soft and rainy and a little darker than normal. I can't decide if the sun has really come up or not. Today my long lost dear friend Jamie is due to have a baby. They are having a home birth after their oldest daughter (my goddaughter) has a doctors appointment. I cannot even fathom this. Because of a series of phone malfunctions we haven't talked in months and now I'm going to go and see her the day she's giving birth. (we hope).   I can't wait to meet her midwife. It is a fascinating thing. I have to do my laundry, get ready for work, buy a gift, say some serious prayers that this child will be healthier than Lily, take a shower, and leave. But I am having a really hard time actually getting out of bed. Pray for the O'Day's today. So many of our prayers have been answered already, Lily is in remission, her hair has grown back in and she has learned to walk. Still, I am nervous. Positive thoughts would be very very helpful.

(ignite me) [22 Feb 2009|08:05am]  Last night, driving home in a nearly blind stupor because i was so tired, I turned off of the country highway towards my road and fishtailed like crazy because there was snow on the ground. just like that. 45 miles of clear dry highway, and then snow. It is now snowing like crazy and we've had an inch already.    My life gets complicated when I'm not looking at it. I need to pay attention more. A few days ago I had a date... well I suppose it was a date, we started out as running into each other and ended up in the front seat of my car at 3 in the morning talking and kissing and having a grand time of it. But, there was booze involved, and so things went in fast forward. Which isn't how I want to do things, because I really really like this guy. Really really. He's intelligent and he's traveled and lived and we're in almost exactly the same place.   I came home last night, so tired i could barely type to text my friend that I made it alive, stumbled into bed and lay dead until a half hour ago. In that time one of my newest friends drunk dialed me in the middle of the night and I couldn't understand anything she was saying, and I got a text message from the previously mentioned guy. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to answer this text because I was unconscious and now it is 8am and I don't think he'll be up to respond for ages.     I have to work a double and feel like I've been beaten with a stick, several sticks. I can't see my road and I want to call off of work for bad weather, but try as I might, I'm not that girl.    Oh well, the snow is falling beautifully outside my window and I have a few more hours to lay in bed. Things are pretty okay today.

(ignite me) Morning comes [20 Feb 2009|09:29am]    It has been a quiet morning thus far, I am tired and a bit on the sad side. I don't want to go to work. i hate the idea of it. I feel like kicking my feet and wailing and whining.    My friends page, and indeed my friends are full of baby news and pregnancy. It makes me want one. I dreamt of babies and pregnancies and parties last night. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and wake up medicated. Things are complicated and they run together in my mind.       Depressed and dissatisfied with my life, but at a point where changing anything in it would be seriously detrimental. Maybe I'll go play with my sexy new camera. That could cheer me up.

(ignite me) Spring or not to Spring? [14 Feb 2009|09:36am] [ mood | blank ]  This week has been all over the place. In really the best and the worst of ways. I feel like writing but I am so tired and sore that I am afraid it will come out melancholy and depressing. I can't decide.   That is the theme in my... well my life, honestly. I can't decide. I can't decide whether or not to move, if I want to quit my job tomorrow or wait until I know I have another job to put in my notice. Do I want to spend some of my money on me, get my hair dyed? See a movie? Buy a cd off itunes? Do I want to save it for the bill collectors that are surely busting down my door right now? Maybe I should buy a new pillow, I haven't been sleeping well.     It is Singles Awareness Day, (SAD for short) and I thought for a minute that someone was going to send me flowers. I was wrong. Now I get a presentless SAD. Lame. The house is quiet and soon I can start the long process of getting ready for work. I kind of want to go and buy a bunch of flowers just daisies or something for the girls at work who don't have dates. Maybe I'll just bring candy and crappy little kid Valentines instead.   Yesterday was such a good day, I worked hard, very hard. First out in the yard hauling junk and repairing damage, ripping down fence and chicken coops and hauling old tires, and then at work in the bar. The stars are aligning. Our house was damaged in a storm, which may mean that insurance will come and fix it, which would be amazing. I got my IRS check, I am getting a truly amazing deal on a great camera so that I can use it in my photography classes...things were so good. Til my manager ruined my good mood.  I'm trying to get over it, slowly and with lots of water since I'm out of coffee.   This morning the change in weather from 50's and gorgeously sunny to 30 and freezing rain gave me a killer headache. Treated with entirely too many drugs, I am now functional, albeit grumpy. Today will be long and filled with cute couples coming out for their favorite food. They will bitch when we run out of rolls. I am certain. I will cheat and put bread in the potato oven. It will all work out, and hopefully I'll make lots and lots of money. I could use a 200.00 day.   I am really excited about taking a formal step in the direction of photography. I have always loved it, and I take nice pictures. I really do. So now I'm getting a decent camera and taking classes and learning to develope film. I'm giddy over it. I feel creative and ballsy and I want to get out there and take some pictures and see what happens. I pick up my camera in Indiana on Tuesday, and I get to hang out with my brother, sister-by-common-law and his awesome roommates. Always a good time. Alright, enough rambling, time to start the day. My coffee is done and the world will not wait forever.

(ignite me) another pointless rambling.... [10 Feb 2009|08:14am] [ mood | impulsive ]     I feel like making a bad decision today. I want to get an ill planned piercing, a random tattoo, make out with one of my mexican grill cooks in the cooler, hit on my married boss, cross against the light, drive with my brights on all night, juggle live turtles, dye my hair blonde, turn all my favorite jeans into a quilt.. something.     It is earlier than I like it to be, but also too late to be posting silly nothings on here. I have to leave in about 15 minutes to go and take my midterm exam and I am seriously considering skipping a shower and putting on a hat instead. It is 8 am in February and the temperature is at about 58 degrees and raining. We've had a foot and a half of snow and ice until two days ago, now it's happily melting away and the world has that squishy sort of look to it when the trees have had too much water too quickly and they are all thick and black with it. The rings will be wide this year.   On Friday I get my income tax check and I'll be out shopping from sun up til I have to go to work at 3:45. I'm going to go and get my hair colored and cut  and buy a new pair of jeans and a pair of brown shoes that aren't sandals. Then I owe one of my closest friends lunch for her 21st birthday. A lovely day will be had by all. In other news, my cat snores. Badly.

( 2 scorch marks | ignite me) Good morning. [06 Jan 2009|09:43am] [ mood | curious ] [ music | Drunken lullabies - Flogging Molly ] It's been 14 weeks since I posted here but i was thinking fondly of the people I still check in on. This morning the sky is pelting the city with sleet so thick my hair was coated in ice by the time I got from my car to the computer lab and I haven't gotten up the nerve to leave yet. I have class in 15 minutes and I am excited about going to the gym this afternoon on my break, I hope that I can drive there without dying. The moral of the story is that I missed my friends page and I'm glad you're all still alive and posting.

(ignite me) Rainy Days [27 Sep 2008|10:00am]     This morning I feel like I've gone through an intense 8 hour work out with a sadist named Helga without stretching first. I've officially gone back to my school schedule, which means 4 days of school, 3 days of doubles at work. Though now I've also added a lunch cocktail shift in the middle of the week, cause I'm a masochist.     It always surprises me how quickly a waitress falls out of step when she has days off. I have to readjust to my fall schedule and a freakishly busy Friday night in the bar is not the way to do it. Last night kicked my butt. Then I was so tired that I forgot to cash out and went home with my store's money. I didn't realize it til I'd driven the 45 minutes home, just to turn around and go back. So today I am working a cocktailing double, coming home after close (about one) and doing 2 more chapters of french homework and at least one chapter of math and some working up some characters for my writing class. Hopefully I can get that done by 3am so I can get up and go to work Sunday morning for my last double of the week. I am kinda shell-shocked.     I still haven't gotten used to these things yet and I'm working on it, but I miss my soft couch and my warm bed really, really bad this time of year.      I did get to turn of the baseball game and put on the debate in the bar last night so i caught most of it. I love Obama and McCain is still a prat. Not surprised. I liked seeing Obama get worked up and be forceful and aggressive, I think that's what people will vote for. No John Kerry wishy washy stuff around here. Wish me luck.

(ignite me) writer's block. [02 Jul 2008|04:14am]   I think that I look my best when I've been reading. There is something vaguely not there, when I'm still half in the story with my smudged glasses and my hair in a haphazard ponytail to keep out of my way. My clothes are rumpled and I don't notice that my buttons are half done or fastened wrong, I have just scaled a wall, climbing out of another person's head. I feel full of possibilities when I've been reading for hours on end. I want to grab up my computer or a pen or an axe and start hacking words out of myself to show the world. I never seem to manage it though. The ideas just don't seem to come anymore. My fiction is juvenile but would be the far more lucrative path. I miss fiction and how much fun it was to build characters out of nothing. I can't imagine getting back into it though, every time I try they just seem so...plastic.     Here, like so many other places in my life I find that fiction just cannot hold up when placed along side the truth of my life. So many of the people and places I have been are so thrillingly fantastically funny that I cannot write more interesting characters from scratch. It is the most profoundly unsettling form of writers block. I want so desperately to write now. I want to be a real writer and live off of words and coffee and cigarettes. Ah, the good life. I crave.

(ignite me) The Witch books [28 Jun 2008|11:12pm] I am finally reading Anne Rice's Witch books for the first time and am falling madly in love all over again. God I love this woman. I want to be a writer when I grow up.   It's almost enough to convince me to start writing again, but also hints at the feelings of inadequacy that always make me want to sit back and awe at the genuinely talented instead of trying to pretend to be their peer.

(ignite me) my professional life [20 Jun 2008|12:46am] [ mood | contemplative ] I definitely use the term 'professional' loosely. Today at work I got a massage from a mexican who calls me "mamacita titas grande", one of my co-workers told me he was in love with me because I knew who Snidely Whiplash is and my boss went down on one knee to honor my breasts. I also had a bartender tell me his penis would fit perfectly in my cleavage. My job= freaking hilarious and totally inappropriate. Love it. Oh yeah, and I have a bruise on my ass in the shape of Kiki's hand. seriously. Also, I have decided that in life you can either be a Nell Fenwick or you can be a Natasha Fatale and I am soooo a Natasha. Cheerio y'all.

(ignite me) what's with today, today? [17 Jun 2008|11:44am] [ mood | undecided ] This morning is too quiet in a shriekingly loud way. The house is full of sounds of life. My baby sister is showering, the boys are listening to movies far too loud in their bedroom, chickens are clucking and crowing outside the window, but I feel quiet. I am hungry and still and my sleep schedule is whacked and starting to take a toll on my waking hours. My cell phone is broken, so today I have to go back to T-Mobile to see if I can talk my way into a new phone that isn't a motorola and still have them send me my ring tones. I really hope it's still on covered. Today Jen goes to her friend's house for the night, the boys are probably going to the lake, the new Plum book comes out and I have cell phone issues to mess with. After I get home I am going to read my new book and relax for a while, out in the sun getting a tan. Maybe i'll swing by mom's work and get her lawn chair so that I can be more comfortable soaking in rays. I need to fix my new adjusted tan line. I have a lower cut bathing suit now and it shows waaay more cleavage. I am diving back into the world of journaling, trying to keep my life focused and together. I have lost that feeling of 'my journal is my best friend' as I got real friends with pulses. Then I blame the book for not inspiring me and buy another one. I am a journal whore. And now  I have 3 really awesome journals that are all partially filled. One I am turning into a sketchbook I think, it has big square acid free pages, the other I may just fill later. Who knows?   My current journal is boring and small and will be filled with creative and inventive words, poetry, photos, collages and sketches. Of this, i am certain. I have decided that I want to be a writer when I grow up. I want to write. Articles and columns, books, memoirs, true stories and fiction. I want to write and write and write and be able to stay home and raise my children the way I want them to be raised. I won't do the whole career and daycare thing.  I just won't. I will absolutely be a writer and have a husband that I like and want to spend time with who has a good job and a hobby to keep him out of my hair and i will write. Sounds pretty damned perfect to me. Doesn't it? I want to be a writer. Something I never thought I would actually consider. Writing is a hobby, not a job. But damned if I'm not going to make it lucrative. If reading is inhaling then writing is exhaling and I don't want to go my whole life holding my breath. I feel like I have been. I have a goal. A direction. Something to work towards. Yay me. Now I just need to graduate, and find a damn good proofreader and editor, cause I can't be bothered with such trifles in my writing. Cause I'm lazy. Now it's time to shake things up and get loud.

(ignite me) school. [07 Jun 2008|09:50am] I have some serious work to do in the next three days. I'm working massive hours over the weekend and I have two papers to write, an in class writing exam and a huge math final that I am totally unprepared for.  I am kind of exhausted.  i want to sleep, swim and relax, but I have slacked off far too much  English exam    2 papers due with final Math final  Humanities final paper Dreding/pool party for Sarah Working another 40+ hours. This is my week, my life. I'm kind of in love with it. I really love my job, I really really love my friends. I'm happy. Wicked.

(ignite me) Dude. [20 Mar 2008|08:24pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Degausser- Brand New ]     School is out, I'm on spring break. And I think I only kind of fucked up one of the essay question things on my last final. Which means, I are sleepy. And I are broke. And I are working doubles all weekend. Blaaaah. I wish so much that I could sleep in. More than that I wish that I could GO OUT! Alas. There is much geeking in the Dunfee house, we have Brawl, finally, after having to have our wii sent in to be repaired and get a new game from the company. It's all better now and Pit is freaking sweeeet. I miss my friends. 70east is closed due to flooding (or at least it was this morning) I saw a Fuzzy today. She helped me spend mah last 20 dollars. I needs financial aid check. I am going to go and read. Life is good....

(ignite me) 26 Weeks. [22 Feb 2008|09:44am]     So I haven't posted here in 26 weeks. The world has been moving by in a haze and I have found my self with little to say. Lately i've been posting little snippets of comments places and figure that being a lurker in my own journal isn't really a classy way to live.     I think it says something about my life that I am vaguely uncomfortable writing things that aren't in MLA format. My universe is a snowglobe, recently shaken, and everything is dusted with a beautiful glistening sheen of white. I am happy. This is new. I am really liking it. Still working on that glass half full shit, but it's coming along.

( 9 scorch marks | ignite me) So... I bought a goat. [22 Aug 2007|07:27pm] I haven't determined what the misfire in my brain is, but it makes me stupid. I bought a goat. A very small baby goat that is half pygmy and half fainting goat. He doesn't faint, but I think that's just because he's the tamest most adorable baby ever. He's 8 weeks old, all cream colored and has bitty horns. He bleats and runs around the house snuggling into furniture when he's lonely, follows us around the yard and woods without a leash, is generally fantastic. We heart him. His name is Benny Goatman. We're hoping to get at least one doe, and her name will be Ella Faintsgerald.  All the others will be named after big band and jazz artists. Cause that's funny.  This week we are fencing in a large section of our woods and our lower meadow for the baby to romp in, he really likes it. And the play house in the woods that was mine as a kid, is now his, as a kid. (bahahahaha!) Tonight we are going and getting a rooster and two hens. Little bantams. They're midget chickens. My giant rabbit totally kicked my goat's ass. They are the same size. I think Mongo the rabbit peed on Benny the goat's head. This brings final tally up to: 1 dog 3 cats 1 mini goat 3 mini chickens 1 giant rabbit 1 teenage mutant ninja turtle 1 green tree frog and a pond full of gold fish that used to be feeder fish and are now the size of small koi. I want a sheep. And a llama.

( 1 scorch mark | ignite me) Lily [22 Jul 2007|04:48pm] Lilian is fine. Thank you for kind thoughts. My baby lives, and that makes me in a spectacular mood. Very little could bring me down this week. Harry Potter, and Lily has a repaired heart. Things are okay.

( 2 scorch marks | ignite me) Life [18 Jul 2007|09:11am] So this week has been and will continue to be, one for the record books. One of my best friends was married. We had a bachelorette, a day of fun, then the wedding in a spectacular weekend that I will surely remember with a smile for...well, ever. I took pictures of the wedding and the reception. They came out really really good. I had forgotten how much I like taking pictures, and how beautiful they usually are. Maybe one day I'll learn about it. Next up on the weekly rollercoaster I have a favor to ask you all. My goddaughter Lilian is going in for open heart surgery at the tender age of 6 months old. She was born with a broken heart. If all of you would please think kind thoughts and/or prayers for her I would be very grateful, and so would her parents. We are hopeful. Things will be fine. But I think every little bit counts.

(ignite me) Family day. [12 Jul 2007|10:41am] [ mood | blah ] My mother. Is a lunatic. This is something that everyone has always known. Today though, she is passing all previous records. It's family fun day. My little brother Rick and his girlfriend Amber are coming in from Indiana to spend a day at the Lake with our whole family. It is important to note that I do not go to the lake with my family because I get all add and need to do something else, and given their way, they will stay for 8 or more hours. every. single. day. My brother arrives in an hour and a half or so, my mother is packing enough food to feed a military parade and is going to try and barbecue chicken while we're there. As to my knowledge we have never done this. I will be stunned if this works. Yesterday I fell asleep reading out on my trampoline, so I am now covered in huge and wildly placed tan lines and burn lines. My chest looks like puzzle pieces and after my hair blowing around a tank top strap and a bra strap my shoulders look like they've been tattooed with spaghetti noodles. I also have half a raccoon face since I fell asleep on my side and half of my face had a pair of large sunglasses burned onto it. Now I get to go and sit out and try and burn the rest of me (minus my tattoo) and hope it evens out before I have to go and look cute at Nyssa's wedding, and out running around Columbus with Sparky and Fuzzy. I have also been informed that next week starts my mother's quest to make me skinny. I have been ordered to shut the hell up and take whatever she force feeds me and to work out at home with her for an hour, walk for an hour and swim for an hour every night after working a whole day. I'm trying really hard to make myself excited about it. Because I know it will work. It'll just consume all of my life until I get skinny, and then I'll be hot enough to be social and still won't have any time to have friends cause I'll be all busy working to stay skinny. Go figure. Anyway, I know it will work and I'll get cute, so I'll just suck it up and do it. And hopefully I'll be able to stay enthused about it after she's lost interest, like she always does.

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